I'll start with my childhood and take it from there.


As a little kid, I was always on the go, I never stopped moving, and I never got enough of torturing my borther and sister. We were close though, my siblings and I. We always did everything together, be it exploring the garage attic, or gazing at the barn spiders that always came out at night ouside our window. As for my parents, I kinda lived without their presence for most of my childhood. Dad was always gone working or trucking across the nation, and mom went to work in the morning, came home in the evening, and then went straight to her night job. So it was just my siblings and I. At this point in my life, I was a typical kid, i believed in god, but thats all the farther it went. growing up with my siblings I grew really attatched and didn't even know it, , , , Until my brother left for the Marines. At first I thought "Awesome!!!!! The whole room is mine!!!!!!" But after awhile, I started to miss having another guy around that I could hang with. When he got back from basic, I couldent contain myself, I ran out and hugged him as he was entering the terminal at the airport. The only contact we ever used to make before that usually ended up in someone either bruised or bleeding and the other screaming "MOM!!!!!" It wasent long after Jennifer left that I kinda got thrown into an unrealized depression. I was always unhappy and I didn't know why. My father and I grew farther and farther apart in my childhood years. This all started when I was about 13. We constantly were at war, and at each others throats. It got to the point where we couldent be in the same room together or there would be a fight. In school I was constantly harrassed because I was different. I wasent a popular kid and I had a short to non existant fuse. This only made the bullying intensify. So now with my problems at home and the problems at school just buried inside me, I walked around always depressed and never happy. I think it was when I was about 14 that my emotions just kind of died off, they just dissapeared. In a situation where people all around me were sad, I found it impossible to be sad with them. I had to force laughter, happiness, and sadness. The only emotions i didn't have to fake were anger and depression. This is a very lethal combination for a high school kid. The problems at home and the problems at school just got worse with time. I couldent even go downtown without someone taunting or bullying me. I had achieved total outcast status. Mom tried to help by talking with me about it, but It was much worse than she realized, It was more than just name calling and bullying. It was actually to the point where I would fight at least once a day. My life started to fade away. I was never on time for my classes, I was always in trouble and the principle's office was something I was more familiar with than my room. Eventually someone suspected something was wrong, and the school now made me talk to a proffesional guidance counselor every week. Everything they ever said though went in one ear and out the other. Just said "Yep, Got it" a few times and then left. I started smoking and drinking in a desperate attempt to be accepted by any of my peers. I was smoking marijuana, popping pills, anything that would help me escape from the hell I lived in. Its obvious that I was on a direct path for self destruction. And yes I did try suicide before by taking a really strong pain killer that I thought was gonna finish me off, but only made me deathly sick the next day. So that was it. I finally realized. I can't even kill myself. I have control over NOTHING!!!!!!!!! And at that point, I swear that I could hear a little voice inside my head whisper, "There is no God". I believed it the second I heard it, because why would such a good god let me suffer like this. But where it all went wrong is still a haze. I started to hate christians. I viewed them as weak and pathetic. They spent their lives worshiping someone who wasen't there. They were mere sheep to me. I eventaullybegan to make my hatred for christianity public. I would use any tool that I could, be it the internet (this was my weapon of choice), a christian gathering, ar church. I went into chatrooms pretending to be the devil, I went to christian gatherings, and made sure the speaker knew that I fell asleep when he was talking, and then walked out in the middle of it all, and in church I would remain seated while everyone else was standing and singing, and initially made a jerk out of myself. But as the situation goes anymore, I hold no grudges or hatred towards any religion, that was just a childhood immaturity. If your religion makes you happy and gives you peace I say good for you, even if it's something that I don't accept myself. N e way, where was I. Shorlty after Larry Matt and I started our band. Larry believed in god, and so did Matt. I don't think either of them knew of my resentment for christians. We always busted out secualr music. At the time it was what we all loved. Disturbed, static-x, system of a down, we couldent get enough. Then this was the turning point. In youth group one night (I only went because I got away from home and the tension there) they announced that they were taking a group to a youth convention in Great Falls. The factors were that it was overnight two nights, I didn't have to pay, and It was an excellent opportunity to scope for a chick. Then the first attack was made. I was forced to surrender all of my secular cd's before I got on the bus. However Jay gave me what he called heavy hardcore christian music to listen to. Hardcore christian? Is that like an oxymoron? I thought all christian stuff was supposed to be, jesus this and jesus that. But I needed metal music so I took it. But it was actually pretty cool. I just shrugged it off though and listened to the heavy metal. The fisrt session of the convention was just as I pictured it. Looooooooooonnnnngggggg, and booooooooooooooooooooooooring. After being woken up four times, it was done for that night and we went to a huge hall for food and socializing. I pictured this as my big chance to scope out the women. Of course I had no luck. But Larry, who went for the same reason hooked up with a chick and had her didgits within an hour!!!!! I wanted to walk up to him and rearange his teeth, hehe. The next day, at the convention, it was towards the end that they started playing music and praying out loud that everyone started to jump up and down and scream and throw their hands in the air and pray. All I could figure is that some kinda pipe is fuming drugs through the vents because this is not normal, these people are all freaking out. That night I was depressed even more because I had been flirting with a chick in the row ahead of me, only to find out that she wanted me to give her Jon's phone humber (he was a friend that came with us) and so being the jackass that I usually was, I completely ignored him for the rest of the night, I went out in the hall of our hotel room and played my guitar with my hat in front of me and collected about ten dollars in cash for my playing and other things included a banana, gum, candy, some little glowstick thing, and bar of soap from their room. The next day was the final day. I got it done with and came home. I did go through a point where I was totally brainwashed and broke every one of my cd's that didn't scream Jesus. That's what really un-impressed me with christianity was the intensity of it. I realized afterwards what I had done was really dumb and got my music back. But anyway. The way I think about religion anymore is just mellowed out. If you really wanna know how I experiance religion, its through music and meditation. I dont aknowledge a "god" or a "devil" but just a life that we are given to make the most of and I dont intend to waste it. As my life stands right now, I have made my preperation for my future in the Air Force, I'm almost done with school, I have the most wonderful and beutiful and sweeetest girlfriend in the world, I love hangin with my friends, and I guess I am pretty much just takin life one day at a time at this point but still trying to make sure that I live each day like its my last. You wanna know more? Well damn, I dunno what to say, just ask me and I'll tell ya I guess!